Tuesday, May 14, 2013

The Slime of Satan Revealed! 24 Reasons Mayonnaise Is The Devils Condiment


1. Mayonnaise is made out of oil and uncooked* egg

Too long have the citizenry of this nation stayed silent in the face of an insidious, nefarious power. Too long have we suffered soggy, slimy sandwiches in silence; choked down gelatinous egg salads; stood idly by while innocent fries drown under a flood of pallid, flavorless fat-goo. That’s right, I’m talking about BIG MAYO. And until the rest of the world is talking about it too, I will not rest.

Here’s a little wakeup call for all the mayonnaise apologists out there. I only pray that you may see the error of your ways before it’s too late. yolks. It’s essentially raw, greasy eggs.

Mayonnaise is made out of oil and uncooked* egg yolks. It's essentially raw, greasy eggs.
Although! For the record! Homemade mayonnaise and/or aioli is far, far superior to the store-bought kind — often palatable, occasionally delicious.
*mass producers of mayo pasteurize the eggs first, which is why mayo is eerily shelf-stable
Source: chickencounting

2. Mayo is the sandwich-killer.

Mayo is the sandwich-killer.
Source: reddit.com

3. It has ruined countless tuna salads throughout history.

It has ruined countless tuna salads throughout history.
And this is why you should never eat at Subway, son.
Source: reddit.com

4. Mayo destroyed an entire generation of American dinners.

Mayo destroyed an entire generation of American dinners.
Carve me another slab of corned beef and cabbage mousse, Mom!

5. It makes a huge, slimy mess of every situation.

It makes a huge, slimy mess of every situation.
Go home, mayo, you’re drunk.
Source: banthaskull

6. When people put mayo on fries it’s like they think I won’t notice that it’s just nasty, bleached-out fake ketchup.

When people put mayo on fries it's like they think I won't notice that it's just nasty, bleached-out fake ketchup.
You can’t fool me.

7. It constantly has to reassure you that it’s “REAL.”

It constantly has to reassure you that it's "REAL."
Seems legit.

8. You shouldn’t want to eat anything that comes in this container.

You shouldn't want to eat anything that comes in this container.
Oh, great, “heavy duty.” Just the way I like it.

9. What a dumb name. Who even knows what “mayonnaise” means?

24 Reasons Mayonnaise Is The Devil's Condiment

10. Mayo is an attention-seeking brat, constantly popping up in places where it Should Not Be.

Mayo is an attention-seeking brat, constantly popping up in places where it Should Not Be.

11. Like, really should not be.

Like, really should not be.
Source: sodahead.com

12. GET OFF MY PIZZA.

GET OFF MY PIZZA.
Source: ryanhatesthis

13. Squeeze bottles of mayo are the grossest thing on earth.

24 Reasons Mayonnaise Is The Devil's Condiment
They make jars look downright appealing.
Source: deerobertson

14. Look at that squeezed-out mayo. It looks like WORMS.

Look at that squeezed-out mayo. It looks like WORMS.
UGHGHGHGHHG
Source: dpcg.tumblr.com

15. Mayo fuels the most obnoxious kind of gentrification.

Mayo fuels the most obnoxious kind of gentrification.
This place is two blocks from my apartment. It’s never open except sometimes for like two hours on Saturdays, during which time NO ONE goes in to buy mayo (for obvious reasons), which leads me to believe that it’s some kind of hipster mafia front.
Source: kordulak.com

16. And it always tries to monopolize Ryan Gosling.

And it always tries to monopolize Ryan Gosling.
Step aside, girlfriend.

17. It’s basically just an instrument of torture.

24 Reasons Mayonnaise Is The Devil's Condiment

18. For example, this is the worst thing you can do to another human being.

For example, this is the worst thing you can do to another human being.
Source: imgur.com

19. Well, no, maybe this is.

Well, no, maybe this is.

20. It makes people behave like animals.

It makes people behave like animals.

21. It encourages theft.

It encourages theft.
Source: imgur.com

22. And for what? It doesn’t even have any meat in it.

24 Reasons Mayonnaise Is The Devil's Condiment

23. Seriously, this stuff is Pure Evil.

Seriously, this stuff is Pure Evil.

24. There are tons of other things you can put on a sandwich that are healthier and taste better.

There are tons of other things you can put on a sandwich that are healthier and taste better.
Like, basically ANYTHING that comes in spreadable form is preferable.

So, in conclusion:

So, in conclusion:
Source: robpollak.com

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